But I Just Have A Small Voice

The moment I heard the bad news about my husband. I did nothing but cry. I cried my heart to the top of my lungs. My world fell apart. There is no room to calm down, but had to squeeze my heart so hard. Denying the unbearable truth. My body trembled, and my head seems blasted, with the full blast of pain. “My husband is gone.” No! It can’t be true, were the words that keep coming from my mind, but my mouth not able to mumble. It was only in my heart, while tears had never stopped on keep falling from my eyes. Its’ only a bad dream. It was only a bad dream, the whispering words from my own mouth that I even not heard. Wast it? No it wasn’t. It was real, so painfully real.

Right now, even I type this article, the mist of my world is forming, to pop out from the oasis of pain, which just hidden inside my heart. My dream shattered, after the peak of happiness that my husband and I had shared, in our small world, during our special moment together. I can’t see myself anymore without him in my life. But He is with God, and God is with me, thus we still together in my heart.

During that moment, I never want to do anything, but to see his body, which almost not possible, when one person told me, not to come anymore in the US. I can’t believe to what I’ve heard from that mouth. How can a person told me such a word? How can a person can be insensitive. My heart was bleeding for my lost, and more stabbed by the remarks. Just very thankful to my in-laws for helping me to come over, to the place where my husband waited for me. His face is always clear in my mind, the tears that fell from his eyes. It broke my heart so badly. But everything has a reason. God knew.

Those pain I handle while I stayed, in the place which my husband ready for me and him. There were sleepless night. Sat on the floor, faced in the couch, where he used to sleep. Curled, hugged myself to cry the pain, with no voice to come out. It was so heavy that scared me to death that I might be crazy. Yet, the small voice inside me called God to help me. It was a terrifying pain I felt with that moment. No voice to come out, but a heavy sobbed in the middle of the night. But God was and is with me.

I knew some people don’t understand me, especially those who never had lost yet, the one they loved, and or the one who love them. Called me crazy? Called me fake wife, and stuff like that? Shameful? And everything? They forgot that the one I missing so much was my best friend, my lover, my confidant, and a husband. But I just have a small voice.

1. “You should be ashamed You probally know very little of Americias’ history but the only way to
describe what you’ve done is a refferance to the Civl War. It tell’s how the north raped and destroyed everything they could in the
south. The line I’m thinking goes something like—(took what they would and leave the rest,Why’d they take the very best)…”

2.“YOU ARE NOT A SULLIVAN, and in the eyes of many many people, YOU NEVER WERE and NEVER WILL BE.”

Take everything from me, but can’t take the love, and respect that my husband gave to me. Maybe, they got all what they wanted, and destroying the evidences of our happiness, but never that any one could alter the truth, of God’s plan for me and him. Though, I knew that he is happy now with God, but yes am still in pain, because I missed him so badly, and devastated from the people, who crashed me more. But I just have a small voice.

Anger is wrong, so I chose to be patient with them. They are part of the story, by making my life so miserable, in my situation, in my mind and in my emotion. A challenges of life when someone is in pain, and where no one is there, to stand for that oppressed person. But God is not sleeping, and He knew what’s going on with me.
I maybe just have a small voice, but it is too loud to give me strength to hung on. Too audible but can whisper to God about all the pain that I got. All my life, all my strength and all my heart are my bridges to reach out, on what God has plan ahead for me. Even in this downiest part of my life, I only held up the small voice within me. God helps me to face the world in the midst of my pain, when He took my husband home with Him.

I’ve no regret to mourn the man I love. I will cry till my heart aches end.

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